There aren’t words in the human language that could ever describe the feeling of losing your mind to Multiple Sclerosis. But I’m going to do my best. I’ve also noticed signs of a new flare up starting so, I’ll probably jump around a lot this post.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I was vivacious and perky. I had my spouts of depression and anxiety but they were managed. But over all I was a happy woman.
I loved to go outside and play with my kids. I loved to spend hours in the kitchen or doing my makeup. And I loved to write.
Writing those out today, fills me with a rage and sadness I can’t even comprehend. Since my symptoms started a year ago, I have fallen into a deep dark place.
The sun and heat now makes me exhausted within minutes of being in it. My muscle spasms and weakness make the idea of running and playing seem impossible. The times I’ve tried to run with my kids in the last year, I ended up needing a full two days of recovery time.
Cooking has become a frustration; between needing to stand up for an hour or more and having to remember basic things, I just can’t. I was never a gourmet chef mind you, but I had several recipes memorized that have completed been removed from my brain. The worst part of cooking now is the cognitive troubles.
My sharp wittedness is so gone. To do a basic task I have to chant the instructions to myself and even then I will forget or skip a step.
My favorite kitchen fuck up so far has been the Mac n cheese. Yea, boxed Mac and cheese. So simple. I walked over to my sink to drain the noodles, looked at the colander, and poured all the noodles in the other side of the sink, into the disposal, and walked away… Because they were draining.
I served the rest of the meal before I noticed.
Since my diagnosis started with a hemifacial spasm, my love for make up took the first hit. Once my face calmed down, my hands took over. I can still do the basics and look like a 2000s teen, but my motor functions don’t allow me to do the beautiful creations I’d grown to love.
Lastly, writing. This includes more than just writing really. Language. I should just say I can’t communicate well anymore.
I forget words, and when I say that I don’t mean how everyone does. I mean words completely disappear from my vocabulary.
I have an extremely difficult time remembering the point in a conversation. And if I do forget it, it never comes back. I can be told everything I had just said and it will be like new information to me.
And then there’s the anxiety. I had anxiety before, but now it’s a whole new beast. My brain lies to me so much I can’t know what’s actually a legit feeling or something my MS is creating.
Jealousy. Anger. Fear. Out of no where I’ll be overwhelmed with a feeling my BF is angry with me. No reason for it, I’m just convinced. I spend a lot of my day self evaluating conversations with friends and family, to remind myself, THEY AREN’T MAD AT ME.
The me I am today can barely get out of bed. By 6 pm I’m ready for bed and could sleep till 8 am. I miss the old me so much.
NOW that I’ve aired all that out…
I want to find the newest version of me. Which is why I started this blog thing. To force me to write, even if it’s just bad writing.
I’m out of bed today, though I’m still in my PJs. I haven’t taken my boys outside but we’ve been playing on the living room floor. We’re calling it progress.
There is an old me, a diagnosis me and now I need to find the Multiple Sclerosis me.
The last year has made me tired, and depressed. But I’m so tired now that I’m tired of living like this.
On Friday when I finally get my medical plan in order with my doctor, I’ll going to start my new life.
This is the obituary for the old Me. Next post will be a birth announcement. Stay tuned.